Jenni's Story

Jenni is a mother of 6 year old Twin Girls...

My girls were born 6 weeks early - I had been placed on hospital bedrest from about 28 weeks until 32 weeks and released – I managed to hold them in for an additional 2 weeks before they decided they weren't happy in the womb. Considering they were premature they did very well and only had some suck reflex problems that were corrected within about 10 days. I was on maternity leave for 4 months following their birth and at first because of their prematurity they simply slept and ate most of the time – I remember thinking "This isn't too bad – what are people with one baby complaining all that much about" – famous last words…

When my girls were about 8 weeks old my husband started noticing things I was doing – I wasn't even fully capable of realizing I was in a PPD state – my OB had actually taken my husband aside when I was in the hospital on bedrest and schooled him in the signs and symptoms of PPD…something we both consider a lifesaver as him having the knowledge of PPD signs and symptoms I was able to contact my OB very early on…

The thing is I "decompressed" very fast over the course of a few days…I had seen my OB for a postpartum checkup on a Friday and by all intents and purposes I thought I was fine…by Monday I was a mess…I was a zombie…I couldn't eat…I couldn't sleep – I remember having this odd detachment from my children – I was going through the motions of feeding and changing their diaper but had no internal feelings for them at all – I remember sitting on my couch rocking back and forth saying over and over again "don't cry…don't cry" not for myself but willing my girls not to cry because I didn't want the interaction with them. I literally had no real recognition of my environment…I know I was making it thorough the day but had no recollection of what I did an hour or two previously…My husband was working during the day and I would be waiting on the porch for him when he got home – I would barely say a word to him – just grab the keys – get in the car and drive and drive and drive – after a week of seeing my behavior my husband begged me to call my OB…and I did – she immediately got on the phone with me…after making sure I wasn't in a place where I could harm myself or my children (I remember telling her I was cogent enough that I wouldn't hurt my children but it was taking all my strength not to just walk out the door and run away – the thing is I was very lucky and had two babies that were pretty good babies…no reflux, no special needs, not a lot of unnecessary crying – anyway – she called in a prescription to the local pharmacy for Prozac.

In addition in the packet I left with from the hospital was a pamphlet about PPD and a hotline number – I called it and got a person – a WONDERFUL person who put her life on hold for over 2 hours and talked with me – who just sat there on the other end of the line and listened…I remember her telling me she had twin boys but I never got her name…I wish I had because talking with her made me feel like there was a light at the end of the tunnel that it would get better and I wouldn't always feel this way.

Anyway I took the medication – I had no qualms about taking the medication – I would have taken anything not to continue feeling the way I was feeling…it wasn't a nice place to be…

Right after I called my OB I called my mother and begged her to come – which she did (Good thing too because 3 days after I started taking the medication I woke up in intense pain and my husband took me to the ER…after ruling out a bunch of stuff we found out I had a kidney stone…which in the end was far more painful than recovering from a C-section….) She told me we should keep my condition "under wraps" that nobody needed to know I was on medication for PPD – however, I didn't feel that way and thought something like that doesn't need to be swept under the rug…

The week I started taking Prozac – Andrea Yates was in the news for killing her children due to Post partum psychosis…All around me swirled information about PPD and PPP…all the news scared me to death…knowing the state I was in with PPD I kept thinking to myself "Could I snap…." "Could I honestly kill my children" When I was deep in the throes of PPD I had visions of throwing my children against a wall…I would be driving and think to myself – I could just make the car crash into that wall over there – scary thoughts…..very scary thoughts….but I was still cognate enough to realize that they were just that thoughts and I had enough control not to act on those thoughts….but with PPP that is a whole different level….

I have readily discussed my experiences with PPD…I have been the newsletter editor for Multiples club for the past 3 years and have included articles and information pertaining to PPD in various issues – our club also has a support list and I am a contact person for PPD – I have had a few members of our club contact me in regards to PPD. I talk up PPD for anybody I know who is pregnant or just having a baby…I know it is not something people want to hear about but I feel it is necessary for people to be aware that PPD can and does occur…The biggest thing I try to tell people is that PPD can be caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain due the fluctuation of hormones in the body due to childbirth and that if their dr suggests medication to take it…It took about a week before I started felling better after starting to take medication…but it felt like a huge veil had been lifted…I was a totally different person – I was back to being ME…

Even though it was a few years after having my children…I read Brooke Sheilds Book "Down came the Rain" after it was released and cried through the whole thing…her experiences were MY experiences….her pain was MY pain…it is textbook example of PPD. People should not be afraid to talk about PPD – it is something I think a lot of women are ashamed to talk about – like for some reason they are a lesser mother or person because of PPD… and likewise people who have no knowledge of PPD...have never been through PPD need to keep thier mouths closed (ahem ...Mr. Tom Cruise....)